Thursday, October 24, 2013

ready or not - some humo(u)r



I hope whoever drew this cartoon originally will forgive me for scribbling a version as I remembered it.

A typical 5 yr. old child laughs 400 times a day.
The average adult laughs 15 times a day - or less.


 A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show. "Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... and then 2 days...and then 3 days.

Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could hold back no longer and said......
"OK, I give up. Where's the ship?"

14 comments:

marja-leena said...

Wonderful! Always ready for a good chuckle, thanks, Susan. And I always enjoy your artwork.

Tom said...

Oh great! Loved it; so utterly ridiculous! Bless you Susan.

okjimm said...

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, “Got any grapes?”
The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn’t serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and says, “Got any grapes?”
Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ”Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!”

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ”Got any nails?”

Confused, the bartender says no.
”Good!” says the duck. ”Got any grapes?”


ohoh..... this thread could be.......sew good!

okjimm said...

ok... can't help myself......
The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, ''You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?''
The driver is understandably hesistant and says, ''I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that.''
But the pope persists, ''Please?''
The driver finally lets up. ''Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the pope.''
So the pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: ''Chief, I have a problem.''
Chief: ''What sort of problem?''
Cop: ''Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important.''
Chief: ''Important like the mayor?''
Cop: ''No, no, much more important than that.''
Chief: ''Important like the governor?''
Cop: ''Wayyyyyy more important than that.''
Chief: ''Like the president?''
Cop: ''More.''
Chief: ''Who's more important than the president?''
Cop: ''I don't know, but he's got the pope DRIVING for him!''

Tom said...

Pack it up please! I can't stop laughing!

susan said...

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

susan said...

Church pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

susan said...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again, “with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" asks the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. ."What on earth would they want with a plasterer??"

susan said...

Alan had two of the best tickets for the World Series. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No", he says, "the seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the last game of the World Series and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife Wendy was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Series final we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head...
......"No. They're all at the funeral."

susan said...

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

Tom said...

Oh no! This is too much!

okjimm said...

ohohoh.... that one really quacks me up!



susan said...

Okay Tom, just for you I'll try to be more serious. This is a real transcript of a radio conversation that took place between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland a few years ago:

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the captain of a US navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second biggest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change YOUR course 15 degrees north. That's one five degrees north, or counter measures will be taken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

Remember, laughter is the best medicine.

Tom said...

Oh how the mighty are laid low! Great!