Sunday, December 22, 2013

santa Crow visits the rich


Crow here. It's been nearly a year since the night I agreed to help the old fellow from the north with some deliveries on Christmas Eve. Quite frankly the dear gentleman was at his wits end, knowing as he did that so many poor children needed gifts and food that night and much more besides. He did what he could as he always does. My task was the much less arduous one (or so I thought) of taking presents to the children of the rich. As you well know there are far fewer of them, such a tiny number of good rich children, in fact, that I was quite confident of being home well before midnight.

At twilight several of his more experienced reindeer arrived pulling a spare Santa sled and off we tootled into winter's darkening sky. Our first stop at a gated community provided my first inkling that this job might not be quite the doddle I'd imagined it would be. As I slipped down the chimney I'd been happy to see the glint of festive lights in the the hall and the living room, but when I stepped across the grate I discovered they weren't holiday decorations at all but motion detectors. Suddenly sirens sounded, steel barriers dropped down to cover the windows and three snarling dogs rushed into the room where I'd just begun to open my sack. I barely made it back up the chimney with my trousers intact.

Having never been one to renege on an obligation I set off with a will to the next mansion on my list. The living room there was a grand space filled with art and fine furniture but once again, just as I set foot on the floor, before I could begin opening my bag, alarms sounded, a spotlight lit my person and a nasty smelling fog filled the room with blue smoke. Coughing and choking I scrambled back up that chimney too.

As I'd had no success at the gated community I decided instead that we'd try for a country house on the list. Knowing nothing about private security systems that employ infrared cameras that read thermal heat signatures, nor about radar detectors - both of which can detect anything larger than a mouse up to five miles away - the reindeer and I were surprised when portals in the roof opened and out popped a brace of cannons. Although we attempted to signal our good intentions by ringing sleigh bells and singing carols, we were forced to turn away when the heavy artillery opened fire.

We made our sad way back to Santa's workshop in dread of his disappointment. How surprised we were by his merry laughter as he commended us for our attempts and said, 'Don't worry boys, next year I'll let them fight it out with the Amazon drones'.

Happy Christmas everyone!


(If you're interested in reading further about security arrangements of the rich - as opposed to The Rich - you can find more here and here. They're actually far stranger and more paranoid than Crow described. Sad but true.)


20 comments:

Tom said...

Yeah! That should be a fun fight!

The Crow said...

How brave and conscientious of thee, Crow! Bet that brandy and fruit cake will taste especially good this season - well earned treats, very well earned.

Happy holidays to you and dear Susan and her family.

marja-leena said...

Wow! I think I feel a wee bit sorry for the kids never seeing Santa and his reindeer, nor the real world outside those gates. Of course Daddy is richer than Santa so they may not care. I love your portrait of Santa Crow.

Happy Winterfest to you and your loved ones, Susan!

Rob-bear said...

Superb of you to take on the challenge, Crow. I suppose I should have contacted you ahead of time to warn you about all the various traps and torments to which you might be exposed. But I didn't know you were helping again this year.

Please be careful with your generous heart and kindly assistance. The richer people are, the meaner they tend to be. (Just read a study on that recently.)

Seasonal greetings and Bear hugs to you, susan, et al.

susan said...

That's what I think too :)

susan said...

Yes, Crow's a tough but sentimental old bird.

Best wishes of the season to you too, Martha ♡

susan said...

You've hit the nail on the head, Marja-Leena. It's all well and good for adults to hide behind those walls, but kids need a broader experience.

I'm glad you like the Crow picture - I do too :)

Happy holidays to you and your family ♡

susan said...

Crow says a warning may indeed have been helpful, but all's well that ends well.

It appears the extraordinarily wealthy could benefit most from group counseling - outside of their own group, that is.

Wishing you and your family all the best for a wonderful holiday season.

Life As I Know It Now said...

Snow ball cannons!!! :~D

susan said...

They seemed appropriate :)

Sean Jeating said...

What a (hilarious) painting to accompany this (sad) story! Amazing.

susan said...

I'm glad you like it :)

gfid said...

Crow in a red feather cape and matching hat & boots! i'm smitten!

i say leave 'em to the Amazon hover-bots.... my youngest son was just telling me about them today!

clairesgarden said...

laughed!! good Christmas cheer to you!! xx

Ol'Buzzard said...

Crow should be careful: a black bird with a red hoodie in a gated community where the volunteer watch probably carry concealed firearms.
At any rate: Best wishes for you and Crow during the new year.
the Ol'Buzzard

susan said...

We're both glad to know my friend can charm no matter what his attire :)

Attached Stinger missiles would make gift deployment easy.

susan said...

and to you too, Claire.

susan said...

Many thanks for an astute observation that hadn't occurred to either of us. What a world, eh?

Best wishes to you and your wife, OB.

The Geezers said...

What a strange and interesting blog you have here. I shall return....

susan said...

I'm delighted you found the place. You're always welcome to return.