Saturday, December 24, 2016

santa Crow visits the rich (reprise)

Crow here. It's been nearly a year since the night I agreed to help the old fellow from the north with some deliveries on Christmas Eve. Quite frankly the dear gentleman was at his wits end, knowing as he did that so many poor children needed gifts and food that night and much more besides. He did what he could as he always does. My task was the much less arduous one (or so I thought) of taking presents to the children of the rich. As you well know there are far fewer of them, such a tiny number of good rich children, in fact, that I was quite confident of being home well before midnight.

At twilight several of his more experienced reindeer arrived pulling a spare Santa sled and off we tootled into winter's darkening sky. Our first stop at a gated community provided my first inkling that this job might not be quite the doddle I'd imagined it would be. As I slipped down the chimney I'd been happy to see the glint of festive lights in the the hall and the living room, but when I stepped across the grate I discovered they weren't holiday decorations at all but motion detectors. Suddenly sirens sounded, steel barriers dropped down to cover the windows and three snarling dogs rushed into the room where I'd just begun to open my sack. I barely made it back up the chimney with my trousers intact.

Having never been one to renege on an obligation I set off with a will to the next mansion on my list. The living room there was a grand space filled with art and fine furniture but once again, just as I set foot on the floor, before I could begin opening my bag, alarms sounded, a spotlight lit my person and a nasty smelling fog filled the room with blue smoke. Coughing and choking I scrambled back up that chimney too.

As I'd had no success at the gated community I decided instead that we'd try for a country house on the list. Knowing nothing about private security systems that employ infrared cameras that read thermal heat signatures, nor about radar detectors - both of which can detect anything larger than a mouse up to five miles away - the reindeer and I were surprised when portals in the roof opened and out popped a brace of cannons. Although we attempted to signal our good intentions by ringing sleigh bells and singing carols, we were forced to turn away when the heavy artillery opened fire.

We made our sad way back to Santa's workshop in dread of his disappointment. How surprised we were by his merry laughter as he commended us for our attempts and said, 'Don't worry boys, next year I'll let them fight it out with the Amazon drones'.

Happy Christmas everyone!

Originally posted three years ago I thought this would be neat to show again. Besides, as Crow remarked, drone delivery systems being closer to reality (horrors!) will bring a whole new crop of hunter gatherers to the fore. Humans are almost as adaptable as crows.


Tom said...

Almost as adaptable as crows? But not nearly as nice, surely! Next time, tell Crow to take some phaser cannon with him. Wishing him and all his friends and creator a peaceful Christmas.

Should Fish More said...

Surely Crow was acquainted with Mr. Swift and his Modest Proposal. He can just reverse the premise.
Happy Holidays

marja-leena said...

I never tire of revisits to your past stories and images - this is a wonderful one. May your Christmas be calm, bright, and joy-filled.

Sean Jeating said...

Happy Christmas. May there be plenty of fruitcake and Remy while relaxing from the experience.
Aren't they poor sods, those rich?

Lindsay Byrnes said...

Hi Susan,
Santa’s Gung Ho drones with anti-security mojos might be a solution for next year; however the burning issues I understand from Crow are the malfunctions and subsequent crashes of some of the juveniles whose programming keeps failing on the snow slopes of the North Pole and particularly when navigating over thin ice. Drone rescue dogs are currently being trained to take the damaged drones to the nearest relay station for repair. Crow told me the best dogs would come from the ranks of the puritan Siberian huskies, only securable only from within Russian, but the deal is currently off as older drones are blocking the deal sighting security risks.
Merry Christmas

susan said...

The good news, Tom, was that Santa gave Crow all the fruitcake and Remy that was to have been delivered that Christmas Eve. My friend shared it with his fellows and still has plenty left over. All in all, it worked out very well.

Should Fish More said...

Susan, do tell Lindsay that the next Demo candidate needs some good speechwriters, ok?

susan said...

Crow tells me the rich are so tough and stringy that tenderizing them takes too much time and effort. He recommended them to Tolkien's Attercop, Lazy Lob, Crazy Cob, and Old Tomnoddy.

Best wishes of the season to you too.

susan said...

I'm glad you enjoyed seeing this one again, Marja-Leena.

May your Christmas be all that you could wish.

susan said...

Yes, Sean. As I told Tom, Santa gave Crow the undeliverable fruitcake and Remy - some of which we're enjoying even now. :)

I'd feel worse for the poor rich sods if they weren't so smug.

susan said...

Hi Lindsay,
You are never quite sure where you stand with Santa Claus. After all, he follows some pretty arcane protocols regarding niceness and naughtiness, and in this modern age one needs to be on their toes.
Skål and very Merry Christmas

susan said...

Mike, I agree that Lindsay would make a fine speech writer.

Andrew MacLaren-Scott said...

Shame we cannot share some Remy and cake. Cheers anyway.

susan said...

Having met at all is something of a miracle, Andrew. We shall drink a toast to you and your family wishing you all a fine and uninteresting New Year.

okjimm said...

Happy Solstice,Yuletide,Holidays or Whatevermas. Be good and paint on!

susan said...

I hope you're doing okay, Jimm. Great to hear from you and best wishes for the New Year too.

Ol'Buzzard said...

I think the rich will be all right. You could have just left the presents with Trump and he would make sure the rich got their share.

That sounds sour at this time of the year;
a happy solstice and yule to you an crow.
the Ol'Buzzard

susan said...

Sour is okay, OB. We all know that no matter what is said during a campaign the rich always get more than their fair share.

All the best of the season and may spring come early.